During your life you have many friends and some stay, some go.
I am lucky that I still have some friends that I stay in contact with from school. We don’t see each other as much as we should but when we do, we can chat for hours. I have friends from work, I now have friends from spuds school, from spuds football club and adoption friends.
On our adoption prep course we had to draw our Eco map of our support network. On this I map we had family and friends. Friends who had children, friends who did not and friends who we thought would be a support to us.
I had a look at our Eco map the other day. It was like looking at an old wedding photo when you point to everyone and you can say – they are now divorced, they have died, they have moved away and they have no contact with us.
Our map is now very different and I found the change to our map upsetting. When we draw up our map we had hopes and dreams of what our life would be like with a child, how we would be as a family and how our child we be supported by everyone on our Eco map.
If I took a pen and crossed off those friends who have disappeared, not able to understand the change of person I am now, the way I parent or the behaviour of spud, our map would be very sparse. I could cross off those who I have been friends for for over 15 years, I could cross off those who have children the same age of spud and I could cross off some of Mr footballs family.
I definitely went through a grieving process when I realised I had lost or was loosing these friends. I went through a period of being angry that they would not or could not understand the change in me and what spud needed. I had always been there for these friends and when I needed them, they went.
But, if I drew my Eco map now I would be able to put some amazing friends on my map. Many of my closest friends are adopters, some we met and have stayed close to from prep course, some we have met through support groups. One example if a great new friend is while I was away at an adoption camp trip, spud was having a major tantrum and melt down. For the first time ever, no one judged us, no one tutted or looked away and everyone understood. One mum walked over to me, passed me a glass of wine, smiled and walked away. That is true friendship.
Others are mums from spuds school. They have really helped me to understand spud, how similar he is to their boys but also the differences he has. Football mums who I stand and laugh, cheer and clap with on the sideline on a Saturday morning. Friends from days pre spud who have surprised me with their support. One friend who was on the very outside of my Eco map has no children, has no desire to have a family, has been the one who has listerned, not judged and let me cry. She has then wiped my tears and taken me out shopping ๐Ÿ™‚
I think through life friends do come and go, I have to learn to understand this and let some friends go to allow others in.


17 thoughts on “Friends

  1. A wonderfully written post. Most of our friends disappeared after our boys were placed but new have been made.
    We attend an adoption camp each year and we all love it (a weekend of support and understanding, rather than judgement and criticism). I am so glad you have wonderfully supportive and understanding people around you.

    Thank you for sharing you #WASO post

  2. I recognise this myself. My ecomap would be totally different now too. It caused me a lot of heartache at the time but I’ve accepted that many people can’t accept the girls the way they are. But the new friends I have made more thn make up for it. I’ll see you both at camp ladies!

  3. I so recognise these feelings… the loss of friends who you thought would stand beside you, even though we were warned that things would change, is immense. And like you,I am grateful for the friends I have through adoption, people who understand, and don’t need explanations.

  4. I wrote about this quite recently, its really sad how people drift and vanish isnt it, I dont think i’ll ever understand it and there are some i dont think i’ll ever get over.
    Great post!

  5. I’m sad to say that I also very much recognise my own life in this post, I’m sure most adoptive parents do. And you are right to say that you grieve, I have definitely been doing that in the last year as well. So pleased that you have found other sources of support and new friendships and I also believe that can be the way of life however your family is made. Great post.

    Thanks for linking to The Weekly Adoption Shout Out

  6. Yes totally understand all of this, our support map we did would also be full of crossed out people who don’t understand. But luckily we have found many friends who do understand, plus our wonderful adoption friends. Roll on next camp ๐Ÿ˜‰ x

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